Learning How to Deal With Things
by ConfectionaryKnight
Summary: Crona writes to Mr. Journal to help cope when everything is too much to deal with. Maka and Soul are mentioned but are not the focus. Rated M for content to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Trigger warnings for depression. Takes place a few years post-anime. Future chapters include self harm. Read at your own risk.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Soul Eater. This is only for fun.**

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I tell them I don't know exactly how many people Lady Medusa made me kill. It's a lie. I don't like lying to people. Especially not Maka and her friends, but I have to. It would hurt them if they knew I remembered all of them. There were thousands. Most of them didn't deserve it. A few of them might have, but it was still bad.

I try to tell Maka. She helps. But I don't tell her everything. I might someday, but not all at once. Some things are better off not known. I don't know if I could deal with Maka knowing everything. I don't know if I can deal with knowing everything I've done.

I'm better, now, though. I know I am. I still don't know how to deal with some things but I've learned how to deal with others. I'm okay as long as I'm with Maka or her friends. I don't think so much around them. I even smile sometimes. But at night it all comes back. The horrible things I've done. I never understood, before, why. But Maka helped me to understand. Lady Medusa was making me go insane on purpose. It almost worked. Sometimes I feel like it did work.

Ragnarok doesn't tease me as much. I don't know why. It's nice, though, to have a conversation sometimes. Maka helps Ragnarok too. Things are better for us. Except at night. I still go to Mr. Corner. Sometimes I cry for hours. I make sure nobody can hear me though because they need sleep and I'm okay otherwise. Mr. Pillow helps with that. Sometimes Maka hears anyway and comes to sit with me until I feel better. Sometimes even Soul comes in too and that's okay. I can deal with Soul. Ragnarok likes him. Sometimes I think maybe Ragnarok asks them to come help when I can't focus on anything.

I'm better at sorting out how I feel about things now. I still don't know a lot about love. It's scary. I've read lots of books. They don't really help. I know Lady Medusa didn't love me. I know that friends can love you. I think, hope, Maka does. But there's so many kinds of love. I don't know how to deal with romantic love. I don't know if I will ever be able to. But I think one day I might be able to try.

Maka said I should try writing things down here. Not like poetry. Just somewhere to put things. It helps, I think. I'm not sure why. Writing it down doesn't seem like it should do anything but I still feel better. Maka said it was so I can process things. I don't know what that means but I trust her. Thank you for listening to me, Mr. Journal.

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**Reviews are welcome. If there is interest I will continue the story. It will most likely get much darker if I do.**


	2. Chapter 2

**NightOwl1515: I'm afraid Crona doesn't quite know how a diary works. Zie is trying, though!**

**A/N: I am going to keep Crona genderless. I am going to say assume that everything that is put here is going to be triggering for depression, trauma, attempted suicide, self harm, and others that I probably don't know about. Read at your own risk. **

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I asked Maka how often I should write things down. She said I could do it as much as I needed to. I think she could tell I wasn't sure what I should do, because she said she writes things down every day. I asked Soul too, but he said he didn't have a journal because it was uncool. So I guess it's okay to be somewhere in between, right? I guess I should put the date down somewhere, right? I don't know how to do a journal. Today is the 8th of June. It's a Monday. I still go to classes at the DWMA. Maka said I didn't have to but I like being at school. Things are easy there, and there's still a lot I don't know. It sounds odd, but I can deal with being in a classroom even if I can't deal with going shopping with the sisters. Kid keeps them in check most of the time. I think he understands, some. I don't know how he feels about me being here. Sometimes I think he hates me, but sometimes he acts so nice. I don't like it when people are mad at me.

I guess I wrote a lot there. It doesn't feel right to put so much without a space, but I guess I just got carried away. I've been cooking for Soul, Maka, and Blair. They don't seem to mind. They say it's good, but I don't always know if they actually like it or if they're just saying that. I have to have someone else, though. Usually Maka helps me, but sometimes Soul does. Blair only wants to eat. I could probably do it on my own, but I'm afraid I'll mess it up if I do. And having another set of hands to help me makes things run smoother. Maka says it's good for me. I think she's right. I can actually tell people what to do when I'm cooking. I can't, normally, but both of them listen to me and they said it was okay that I do. I feel like I'm being mean when I do, but I guess if both of them said it's okay I should try not to worry about it.

I don't know how to describe it, but I'll try. Every once in a while I go... blank. I'm moving around, and I'm doing things, but I'm not really doing it on purpose. Soul found me staring at a box of cereal and asked if I was okay. I don't know why I stopped, and I think he could tell I was confused because he said I'd been staring at it for a few minutes and he wanted to make sure I was okay. I don't even remember getting out a cereal box. It happens a lot, though. I think it's because I'm tired. I don't sleep very well. I can't stay asleep for long. Maka said I could get help for it, but Ragnarok and I don't want to take medication to sleep. I think we both know that it's not a good idea.

I don't really ever talk about it to anyone, not even Ragnarok, but I'm glad Ragnarok can harden my blood. I'm glad he's ignoring me or sleeping right now, because he'd hit me for being such a sap. I think he understands why I do this, and leaves me be when I do.

I don't know what it means to help process things, but I'm guessing it means that it helps me make sense of what I'm feeling and what I've felt before. I wouldn't ever talk to anyone about this, but since you're just paper, Mr. Journal, I guess it's okay to talk to you about it. Back when we were kids, Lady Medusa told Ragnarok that if I died he'd die. And that if he wanted to live, he had to make sure I did too. The trouble was that I didn't want to. I know that sounds really horrible. I think it is really horrible. I'm not sure. But it was just what happened. I had a knife, and I was in that room alone with Ragnarok for so long all the time. It just didn't seem like it would matter if I just disappeared. So I tried to. A lot of times. But Ragnarok hardened my blood so I couldn't.

I don't think I should ever tell Maka that. Soul might understand. It hurt so much. I was in pain almost all of the time. I still am, I think, but I can deal with it now. I tried a lot, but Ragnarok was always there to stop me. I'm glad he did. Even if it kept me in that hell for so many years. Because if he hadn't, I never would have met Maka. That sounds really silly, doesn't it. I don't think I care if it's silly or not. We learned a lot, though. He can keep me alive through almost everything. And even though he can harden my blood, I can still scar. I think it's because there's space between the skin and the blood. I have lots of needle marks in my arms that I don't think will ever go away. I don't mind, though. I feel better now, Mr. Journal. It's probably been the 9th for a while now, but I just had to get some of that out. I'm not going to apologize, though. Because I know this is what it's for.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: This chapter is a bit shorter, sorry. Reviews are welcome. There will be more, hopefully.**

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It's been a long time, but there are still people who don't like me in Death City. It's the 10th today. I like Wednesdays. I don't know why, exactly, but they're nice. Well... usually. Today wasn't very nice though. There was a guy who wouldn't leave me alone. He kept punching me while I was walking. I just wanted to get something to eat. I guess I'm glad Ragnarok will still harden my blood even if he's not happy we don't attack anymore. Anyway... he didn't give up even when I walked away. I tried to be nice, I really did. I asked him politely to stop. And it's not easy to punch me. I know it hurt him to hit me. But he just wouldn't stop, so I made him sit down until I was finished eating. I don't really mind people trying to hurt me. I know it won't work. I do mind them trying to keep me from eating, though. I guess I scared him, because he ran away. I think he realized his mistake. I probably shouldn't have twisted his arm, though. I told Lord Death that I had accidentally used force immediately afterwards. He seemed okay with it, and was glad that I told him. I don't really understand him, sometimes. He's so nice, even though I've done such horrible things. I think he knows I remember all those souls. I think he's the only one who knows just how many there were.

I told Maka what happened too, but she was just angry that someone thought they could mess with me. I told her it was okay, and that I was just happy that I didn't hurt them too bad. I guess that made her realize something, because she hugged me after that. It's still strange to be hugged. But it's nice, too. I wonder when something bad will happen. I have this feeling that something horrible is going to happen because I've been happy. I know it's silly, but I can't shake it. Kid showed up a while after I told Maka, and asked how I was doing. I told him I was fine, but he didn't seem to believe it.

That's really the only things that happened today. Nothing really happened yesterday, either. I didn't have a bad day. I didn't really have a good day either, though. I don't remember much of it. Maybe I should try to write more often. Even if I don't think anything interesting has happened. I don't know how journals work. I'll ask Maka tomorrow. She said before that it was a place to put down my thoughts, but I don't think that's a good idea. I don't have the best thoughts, and I don't want someone to read this and find out more than they need to know about me. I should sleep, though, so I'll figure things out tomorrow. Good night, Mr. Journal.


	4. Thursday the 11th of June

**A/N: I don't own Soul Eater or any of it's characters. Trigger warnings for self harm, depression, and probably some I'm forgetting. Reviews welcome, tell me what I'm doing wrong (or right).**

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I woke up in Mr. Corner today. I still do that sometimes, even though I go to sleep on the bed. I think it's tomorrow. I don't know what time it is but I know I won't be able to get back to sleep. I'm going to go wake myself up so I can focus.

It was horrible Mr. Journal. I don't know what happened. I was doing okay and then I wasn't. Soul was up too, so I asked if I could have some water. I guess I was more tired than I thought, because I dropped the glass on the floor and it broke into a bunch of pieces. I'm surprised Maka didn't get woken up by the sound. I guess I thought the same thing then because I was convinced that she wouldn't be my friend any more because of it. And Soul too. I started picking up all the glass pieces I could. It was hard because I couldn't see very well and the pieces were slippery. I don't remember when I started crying but I made sure to stay silent. I didn't want to wake up Maka. I guess I cut myself on a few different pieces. Soul helped. After he wrapped up my hand in a bandage until Ragnarok was up I couldn't stop crying even though I really wanted to. Soul just held me on the couch for a while. It was nice, and I got better after a little while. I asked him if Maka would be mad at me for it, but he said it was okay and that things happen. I don't know why he was being so nice after I just broke something but he looked more like he was worried I was okay than the glass. I told him I was fine but I was going to go get more rest. I don't think I am okay. I need to do something but Ragnarok isn't up yet so I can't. I was hoping writing it down would help but I don't think it is.

Once Ragnarok woke up I was able to put more into my pattern. My hand is okay now and I don't need the bandage anymore. But... I guess Soul told Maka what happened. She came to see if I was okay. I didn't even hear her coming until I heard the gasp from the doorway. I am glad she didn't see me adding to the pattern, but she saw my back. I don't know how much she saw exactly but I know it was enough. She hugged me and started crying against me afterwards. She kept apologizing until I asked why she was saying sorry. She said she hadn't meant to walk in on me like that and that she saw my back. I didn't know what she meant so I asked her. And she said she saw the marks everywhere. I guess she meant where Ragnarok comes out. I don't know why it surprised her. Ragnarok is my blood, after all. She must have at least guessed he has to make me bleed to get out. She hugged me and I could feel her crying against me even though she was trying not to. I'm really glad she wasn't any earlier. I don't know how she would have reacted. Probably not well. Today has barely even started and I really want it to be over. I'll write again tonight.

The rest of the day was okay. Nothing else bad happened but I felt really bad about the glass. Maka and Soul keep telling me it's okay but I don't see how it is. I'm really trying not to let it get to me, but I don't know how to stop worrying about it. I didn't add any more to the pattern today than I did earlier. I'm going to make sure the door is closed if I need to. Maka seemed to squirm every time Ragnarok came out. I tried to tell her it was okay, but she didn't seem to believe me. Soul told her I built up a tolerance to it. I didn't know what that meant so I asked. I guess I did build up a tolerance. That's all I wanted to write down. I hope I can get more sleep tonight.


	5. Friday the 12th of June

I'm not sure how, but I guess I wore myself out with all that crying yesterday. I slept a really long time. I missed breakfast, but Maka and Soul said it was okay and I could do lunch if I wanted to. My hand is better now. I'll probably still have a mark there for a while. I decided to make them something really nice for putting up with me. They both said it was really amazing but I don't think it turned out how it was supposed to. Somehow I don't think they'd care if it did or not. That might be rude to think. Black*Star came by today. I hid in my room for a while. Soul and Maka tried their best to keep him away, but I think he managed to give them the slip because he asked me what gender I was again. He was very polite about it, though, so I guess I felt I had to answer him somehow. But I don't really know, so I said that I didn't. That just seemed to confuse him. Maka and Soul dragged him away shortly after that, and I'm pretty sure Maka had a book.

I think I should get a hobby. I sat here and wrote in you, Mr. Journal, about what happened until Maka came to get me and say he was gone. I guess I have kind of forgotten about Blair, the magic cat. It's not that I don't want to write about her, it's just that she doesn't do bad things all the time. She messes with Soul a lot, but when she comes to visit me she's always a cat and it's kind of nice. She really likes to be petted and she purrs really loudly. Sometimes I'm embarrassed that she purrs so loud because it sounds like she might wake people up if they're sleeping. I think, somehow, Blair knows it's not okay to mess with me. Or maybe Maka told her so with a book. I don't envy anyone who gets on Maka's bad side. I hope I don't ever get on her bad side. Not that I would try to or think I am... I just don't know if I might accidentally do something bad.

Not much happened after that. Ragnarok was himself, Blair messed with Soul a bit. Maka enforced rules with a very dangerous-looking book. I think it might have been War & Peace. Tsubaki stopped by to apologize to me for Black*Star. I told her it wasn't a big deal. It really wasn't. I know Black*Star by now and he's not exactly trying to be rude or anything. It did get me thinking, though. I'm sure Maka and Soul are curious, but I doubt they'd ever outright ask me. I asked Maka what a gender is and she said it's how you feel. I guess I don't really feel like anything in particular. I'd like to feel like a person, but I don't think that will happen any time soon. I'm okay where I am now, though. I feel... safe. Comfortable. That's more than I've had in the past.


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